Draco Malfoy's List of Things to Do to Get Granger
by thecheeselady
Summary: Draco creates a list of things that would, to put it delicately, piss the hell out of Granger. At least that's what he thinks. Little did he know that every little item in his list is actually one step closer to having the love of his life.
1. Ch1: Dyeing to have your autograph

Draco Malfoy's List of Things to Do to Get Granger's Knickers in a Knot

Caution: These antics were done whilst sharing the same common room and dormitory with aforementioned mudblood due to co-Head student status, thus achieving the desired effects. If chosen to be done without meeting similar conditions, results may vary.

And also, contrary to what Zabini thinks, I do _not _fancy Granger. I do this because I like seeing her frazzled and annoyed, _not_ because I want her attention. Stupid Blaise.

Now, on with the list.

_Dye her hair blonde while she's asleep and tell her the next day that you're flattered she's your fan. _

"Wow, Granger. I always knew you harbored a secret desire for me. I just didn't know you'd go this far. I'm flattered, really."

"What the hell are you talking about, Malfoy?"

I smirked. "My theory was right after all, you _don't_ look in the mirror before presenting yourself to others."

"What…what the hell are you…"

I follow her to the bathroom and wait for the show to start…

"OH MY GOD, MALFOY! YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE! YOU BIG―"

"Funny, Granger, that's exactly what Pansy told me yesterday as I shagged her in the broom closet. Only she said 'Draco' instead of…wait, Granger. You don't want to get in trouble, do you? Stop right there! You have no right to point your wand at me! Wait, what spell is that? AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_Even though I ended up in the infirmary because of my head increasing in size at an alarming rate, it was still, for all intents and purposes, worth it. Oh and I asked her what was supposed to come after 'you big' she said 'prat'. Yeah, right._


	2. Ch2: Who's your daddy?

_Whilst she's away, go to her room and write 'Property of Draco Lucius Malfoy, sex god' across the backside of her robes. _

I watched her enter the Great Hall. I smiled as I heard gasps, whistles and laughter accompanying her entrance.

Blaise, who sat beside me, patted me on the back. "Ha! Nice one, mate."

I smirked in response.

She looked confused but nonetheless, she yelled at all of us to keep quiet. Saying she'll deduct points for anyone else that would make inappropriate noises, always a stickler for rules this one. And because of that, everyone heard the conversation that happened next. Nobody wanted to cross Granger in her Headgirl mode.

"Uhh, Hermione, you might want to change your robe." Weasel told her as she sat in the Gryffindork table.

She glared at him. "Ronald, for the last time, I do _not _want to change into a tighter robe. This fits me just fine! It's comfortable."

"Comfortable? You might want to take it off and look at what's written in the back," he said, taking off her robe in the process. Ha! I'm surprised he hasn't blown a gasket yet.

Wait, what? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DOES HE THINK HE'S DOING? TAKING OFF HER ROBE? What fucking right does he have? I stood up from the Slytherin table marched over to them and was prepared to hex him into oblivion when I remembered…

Oh, wait. She's not _my_ girl! I'm not even sure if she's a girl. Damn it, Draco. Pull yourself together.

Damn it, they've seen me. And it looks like Granger has seen the robes as well. Do I run?

I watched her approach me, taking out her wand…Yeah, I should run.

"MALFOY! GET BACK HERE, YOU COWARD! AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN SEX GOD? FERRET WOULD'VE MADE A MORE ACCURATE DESCRIPTION, PRAT!"

_This experiment was a full success because I was able to run the hell out of there and soon after, I found a good hiding place so she wasn't able to get her revenge. Until two days later, that is, when dyed all my robes pink. But that's another story._


	3. Ch3: Cat got your tongue? Pt1

_Purchase a female cat and have it secretly knocked up by Millicent Bulstrode's cat, after which claim that her pathetic excuse for a cat, Crookshanks, is the father. (This is a very special prank due to the long time frame I can take advantage of Granger's conscience until she finds out that Crookshanks isn't the father. That is if she ever does.)_

I marched across the hall to Granger's room. A very pregnant Fiffy―I mean, Lysander in hand. I banged at her door.

"GRANGER! OPEN UP! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"

A very pissed of Granger opened the door. Merlin, what the hell is wrong with her hair? I can almost see the bird wanting to build its nest up there. I mean, look at that thing…

"What, Malfoy? It's 7:00 in the morning on a Saturday and you're already bothering me. This better be good, ferret."

"How do you and your wanker of a cat plan to take responsibility, Granger? Lysander is not some pathetic hybrid; she's a full fledged Kneazle! Did you know I had to apply for a license just to keep her? And what does your cat do? He knocks her up! He _impregnated_ my cat, Granger!"

She tilted her head in confusion. "Lysander's a girl?"

"Of course she's a girl! Just because I didn't name her some ridiculous girly cat name like Fiffy or Glitters doesn't mean she's not female!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But how do you…how do you even know she's pregnant? And how do you know Crookshanks is the father?" She's starting to get more confident now, more sure of herself.

HA! Watch me ruin that.

"How do I even know she's pregnant? How do I know Crookshanks is the father? HOW DO I―WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, GRANGER? DO YOU SEE OTHER CATS LYING AROUND? IS THERE SOME CAT CUB HERE THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT? I DON'T LET HER OUT OF OUR DORM, GRANGER! "

"OKAY, ALRIGHT! Can you please calm down for a minute? I'm truly sorry Crookshanks, er, impregnated Lysander. But you should've known! Crookshanks is a healthy male of the similar breed and Lysander just so happened to be a healthy female within range. I'm sure that although they're animals, they still have their…needs." Her voice held uncertainty and I detect a hint of guilt.

Of course I, Draco Malfoy, am duty bound to take advantage of that guilt.

"Granger, my Lysander would have to endure 58-63 grueling days of pregnancy, all for what? For little kittens that aren't even pure breed! And what if your Crookshanks actually coerced my Lysander to mate with him? It's _cat rape_, Granger! Cat rape, I tell you!"

"What sort of nonsense are you sprouting, Malfoy? _Cat rape? _ Cats are not subjective to rape!"

"Oh, so you want to 'save' house elves from slavery even though they're actually happy with what they're doing but you don't think cats are subjective to rape? What kind of hypocrisy are you playing at, woman?"

Her mouth fell open and I knew I got her.


	4. Ch3point5: Cat got your tongue? Pt2

A/N: Ahoy! I was hesitant to write an Author's Note 'coz I didn't want to flatter myself by thinking that I actually had readers. It turns out that I do, so thank you all so much! To the people who reviewed, placed this shiz on their Story Alerts and even to those who did neither and just plain read. I appreciate it. And oh, I've noticed some mistakes when I reread all of them chapters, I apologize for that. I'll be more careful this time. Anyway, thanks again and would it be too much if I begged for reviews?

For the past two months, Granger has been all out in taking care of Fiffy―I mean, Lysand…Oh, forget it. I can call my cat whatever the hell I want. Anyway, the mudblood even bought a book about Kneazles! I think it was called Kneazles for Dum-dums…or something along those lines. And the woman takes Fiffy's temperature every fuckin' hour, for Merlin's sake. It almost makes me feel bad for lying to her.

_Almost. _

A banging at the door pulled me out of my reverie.

"Malfoy, I think you have to come see this!"

"Granger, I'm in the shower, for Merlin's sake! I'm sure whatever you want to show me can wait. Unless, of course, this one of your schemes in order to see me naked again. Well, they haven't worked before and they're certainly not gonna―"

"_Alohomora!"_

What the fuck?

"JESUS CHRIST! GRANGER, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? I'm naked in here!" Bloody woman has gone mad!

"Malfoy, as much as I want to give myself nightmares seeing of you naked, there are much more pressing matters to attend to! I think Fiffy's in labor!"

"WHAT? FIFFY'S IN LABOR? Why didn't you just say so? You could've saved yourself from the trouble of barging in here. And what do you mean nightmares? And, uh, who the hell is Fiffy?" _Nice save, Malfoy. She'll never figure it out now. I knew I should've stuck with Lysander. How did she figure it out anyway?_

"Well, first of all, I tried telling you like a normal person would but since that didn't work…here I am now. Second of all, yes, nightmares. _Not _wet dreams, contrary to what you might think, _nightmares. _And lastly, I heard you calling her Fiffy one afternoon. Are you happy? Can we go check on her now?"

"Uh, yes, okay. What do we need, in case…you know?"

"A basin of hot water, some towels and…"

"And?"

"I think you should wear something first. It gets kind of…distracting."

"Of course it does, Granger. Of course it―OW! You didn't have to hit me! "

_An hour and a half and one bathrobe later…_

"Oh, Draco, they're amazing!"

"Yes, yes. Now listen, Granger, there's something you need to know about them…"

"I know they're not Crookshanks's, if that's what you wanted me to know." She didn't even look up from cooing one of the kittens! The nerve of the woman.

"What? How?"

She sniggered _at me_. At me.I was almost tempted to look behind me to see if anyone else was present. "I'm not stupid. They're all black, Malfoy."

"How very racist of you…and aren't you angry with me? Besides, I was Draco to you a second ago, why change back to Malfoy?"

She blushed. "You know what I meant and no, I'm not mad. I…well, you called me by my last name even though I called you by your first so I thought that, maybe, it made you uncomfortable or something of the sort."

"Why aren't you angy, _Hermione_?

"I'm just not. It's not worth it. And I'm already falling in love with them so I reckon it's not that bad."

"Huh."

_Overall, I can't say that the prank was entirely successful, but it wasn't a complete failure either …I guess._


	5. Ch4: Smile for the camera, HEY!

A/N: Wow! The reviews were so overwhelming! Oh, what the power of asking does! All of you guys have made me so happy. And as for one anonymous reviewer, he/she said that Draco's first name is actually Draco Abraxas Malfoy, as opposed to Draco Lucius Malfoy. Well, I _did_ consult Harry Potter Wikia and even Wikipedia itself with regards to what Draco's real name is, but since wikis are editable, they may very well have been wrong. So if you have another reference, PM me or put it in a review so I can check it out Oh, and more reviews please! They make me oh so happy, obviously )

_Charm innumerable pictures of my handsome self to stick onto the walls of her room. _

I went out of my room as stealthily as possible and looked around our common room suspiciously, only to find out that she wasn't here. Huh. _Where could she possible be at this hour? Probably the library…or that Weasel might have cornered her and forced her to keep him company! That git! _

I let out a deep sigh. But might as well, this is the perfect time to execute my prank. I can always make him pay later, but this time I'm using his clinginess to my advantage…that is, of course, if Hermione really is with him.

No time to question my handsome self now. I went back to my room to get the pictures.

Oh, the joys of torturing a Hermione Granger

_Three hours later…_

I hear footsteps…

She's finally here! Her Weasel captor has finally released her! Honestly, he's getting on my nerves more and more lately and I really do have to find a way to return the favor soon…

"WHAT THE HELL? DRACO, GET IN HERE!"

I smirked. This was going to be priceless.

"Finally caving in to my seductive charms, _Hermione_?" I drawled.

"In your dreams, _Malfoy_!_" _she spat, "What were you thinking? Oh, wait. How could I have forgotten? You _don't_ think!"

"Of course, I think. I think about shagging you in front of Weasel all the time just so he knows who the boss is." I winked at her.

Her mouth fell open.

"I...I…"

"You…you?"

She just continued to stare at me.

"Well, would you look at that? I've rendered the almighty Hermione Granger speechless!"

More silence from her end.

Could I really have broken _the _Hermione Granger? I mean, look at her, she looks like a fish, her mouth opening and closing and her eyes real wide.

"Okay, I get it. You're not into that kind of thing. Then we'll just do it in a room beside his, granted, of course, that the room in question has thin walls. Or we could always just send him a video of us―"

"GET THESE PICTURES OUT OF MY WALL! AND THEN GET OUT OF HERE!"

No, no I _didn't_ break her. I knew it was too good to be true.

"Oh come on, Hermy! You don't have to be so prudish about it! I even posed half-naked for you! Just so you have something to think about when you're showering. Now, isn't that nice of me?"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? YOU CONCEITED PRAT! CLEAN THESE OFF AND JUST GO…GO…DIE!"

"I called you Hermy. It suits you; it's such an old lady name. And just go die? How very imaginative of you, Hermy. Even you could do better than that! Honestly, it's like you're not even trying anymo―"

"_Oppugno!"_

The last thing I saw was a flash of yellow coming at me from all directions.

_It took me days to recover from the attack of those bloody birds! And I did NOT faint, contrary to what Hermy thinks. But now that I think about it, that spell was the one she used on the Weasel, wasn't it? When she found out he was eating another girl's face? What was the girl's name again? I remember it's a color of some sort…But anyway, doesn't casting that spell mean she has feelings for me? She used it on the Weasel and she used to have feelings for him! Maybe it's some special spell she uses on boys she likes or LIKED that have upset her. Or I'm reading too much into things, thus, being delusional. But maybe I really am same with the Weasel! Wait…did I really just WANT to be the same as a Weasel? No, of course not! So, delusional it is. _


	6. Ch5: Say it, out loud Pt1

A/N: Hey, you guys. Sorry it took me forever to update. A lot of things are going on right now, so I kinda found it hard to find time to actually write. But that's all in the past now!

Reviews make me oh-so-happy.

_Exchange her soap for Madame Malene's Extra Whitening Soap and accuse her of being a vampire._

These past few days have been relatively peaceful considering our relatively chaotic relationship, _if_ one can even call it that. A relationship.

Of course, I don't plan on letting these so-called peaceful days of ours to continue boring me any longer.

The idea came to me when my mother sent me another one of those "pampering kits" of hers. More like beauty kits, if you asked me. _Pathetic and girly. _I would never touch any of those. Of course my mother felt the needto ignore me and be all touchy about it when I pointed that out to her. So, being the good son I am, I humored her and just let her owl me whatever the hell she wanted to which, unbeknownst to me, were hundreds of galleons worth of bath oils, bath salts, lotions, hair products and soaps which, of course, included _Madame Malene's Extra Whitening Soap with Papaya Extract._

That never really made much sense to me. Why on earth would she feel the need to send me _whitening soap_? I am perfectly aware of how fair my skin already is! And when I asked her about it she said that Malfoys are known for their pale seemingly translucent complexion and losing that would make me less of a Malfoy to the eyes of the Wizarding populace.

Ha! Because Merlin forbid there be a _tanned_ Malfoy. How utterly ridiculous.

I have never thought that I would actually find the want, much less the _need_ to put a use to those dastardly things. Until now, of course.

_Three weeks later…_

"Why, Hermy, something seems quite…different about you, don't you think?" I smirked as she got out of her room.

"Er, nothing much, really except my skin's gotten a bit…uh…fairer over the past few weeks…wait, why the sudden need to ask? Do you have anything to do with it?" She narrowed her eyes at me.

The box did say that the whitening effect slowly takes place within the span of three weeks. And after three weeks, the _extreme_ whitening effects were to take place within one day…

"Tsk, tsk. So quick to point your finger at me, Hermy? Why on earth would I care if your _dry_ and _un-glowing_ skin were suddenly to mirror mine?" I took a step towards her, "No amount of soaps, lotions and moisturizers can save your troll-like skin."

"Excuse me? Troll-like…what? I do _not_ have troll-like skin, you self-centered prat! I'll have you know that my skin is actually quite soft and…er, supple! Yeah! Like a baby's butt!" She huffed indignantly.

I chuckled as I closed the gap between us. "Do you have evidence to support that statement, Granger?"

For every step I took towards her, she took a step back until finally; I have her backed up against the wall, her breath coming out in short gasps.

"Why don't you touch me and feel for yourself, _Malfoy_?" She whispered, her voice barely audible.

I felt my eyes widen, and hoped to Merlin that she didn't hear the loud thumping of my heart.

"You know I want to _touch_ you and _feel _you, _Hermione."_ I took a deep breath to calm myself, "But we don't really know the nature of your disease now, do we? For all we know, that troll-like skin of yours is contagious. Besides, you probably got it from Weasel and Potty, in the first place. Why you would willingly touch them though is beyond me."

"Oh, leave my friends out of this, _Draco." _She spat,"And for the last time, I don't have troll-like skin! Just because my skin isn't ghostly like yours is, doesn't mean it's troll-like!"

I smirked as I backed away from her. "That's exactly what it means."


	7. Ch5point5: Say it, out loud Pt2

A/N: It took me ages to finally have the balls to update. I am very very _very _sorry. Really.

_Later that afternoon…_

"Do you reckon she's on drugs or something?"

"What? Of course she's not on drugs, Ron! Do you even know what drugs are? She's probably just following a fashion trend of some sort…"

"Of course I know what drugs are! They're that muggle stuff that you get addicted to. Dad says they're awfully unhealthy, deadly even. Maybe that's why she's so pale, because she's unhealthy. And what kind of fashion trend makes someone look like a vampire? Honestly, you muggles are so weird."

"Wait! What did you just say?"

"I said, honestly you muggles—"

"No, no, before that."

"What kind of a fashion trend makes someone look like a vampire?"

"Yes, that! What if…what if Hermione—"

"OH MY MERLIN 'MIONE'S A VAMPIRE! SHE'S GONNA KILL US, HARRY! SHE'LL—"

"Calm down, mate! She's right there. What if she hears you?"

"Don't you think it's a bit too late to worry about me hearing you? I've been right beside you the whole time! Honestly, you two are such idiots."

"Well, are you?"

"Am I what, Ronald?"

"A vampire? Are you a vampire?"

"WHAT?! OF COURSE NOT!"

"Are you absolutely sure, Hermione?"

"I think I'd know if I was a vampire, Harry."

"Well, maybe _they_ don't want you to know."

"_They_? What do you mean _they_?"

"Er…nothing. Forget it."

"How could it possibly be nothing? Spit it out, Harry."

"It's nothing, really. "

"For the love of Merlin, just tell me!"

"There's nothing to tell…"

I held back my laughter as I went back to stirring my and Zabini's Draught of Living Death. _Clockwise. Clockwise .Counterclockwise. Counterclockwise. _

Who would've thought that those two idiots could actually be of use help to me? Everyone's heard the Weasel's outburst about Hermione being a vampire. And now, even Professor Slughorn's giving the Golden Girl strange looks.

After three weeks of waiting, my plan is finally in motion.


	8. Ch6: Say it, out loud Pt3

A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews. They're heartwarming. Please, please review more. Inputs are so very important to me.

And many many thanks as well to my awesome beta (Yep, I finally got one 'coz the typos in every freaking chapter were killing me.) El Padfoot, you know how awesome you are. A review from you would be great. Just saying. *whistles inconspicuously*

_Much later that afternoon…_

By this time, everyone in this pathetic excuse for a school knows about Granger's little secret. Even her two "best friends" are wary of her. And her defensive attitude towards the subject isn't exactly helping her cause.

In short, everything's going swimmingly. This was a brilliant plan. Why I haven't thought of it earlier, I don't know. But that's not important now, is it?

"Why do you have that huge smile on your face? Finally snogged Granger, have you?" Zabini asks.

"I don't want her dry lips anywhere near mine," I scoff. "And as for what I'm up to, that's for me to know and for you to find out, Zabini. Not that you would be able to if I didn't want—"

"Wait, wait. Dry? Have you _seen_ Granger's lips? They're soft, almost red and utterly kissable. I don't think "dry" is"

"You'd better not be speaking from experience, Zabini."

Zabini raises an eyebrow. "And if I were? What do you care?"

I know he's provoking me but that doesn't stop my blood from boiling. I've known Blaise Zabini for as long as I can remember. And I knew his reputation as a ladies' man. He's not only snogged but I'm positive he's _shagged_ half of Hogwarts's female populace. I also know he's a bloody wanker. I don't want Hermione anywhere near his lips.

I shoot him a genuine Malfoy glare. "Stay away from Hermione, Zabini."

He smiles. "Oh, it's Hermione now, is it? Taking your relationship to the next level, Draco? Does she call you by your first name as well? Or does she have some sort of pet name for you? Come on, mate. You can tell me."

"I mean it, Zabini. Stay away from her."

"Your trust for me warms the heart I didn't even know I had. But of course I'll stay away from your girl—"

"She's not my girl."

"Not now, maybe. But don't worry, she will be. All in good time, Draco."

"What the bloody hell do you mean by that? I don't _want _her to be my girl."

I _need_ her to be. Of course, I'm not so stupid as to say that out loud.

"Whatever, Malfoy. I'm going to the dungeons now. Are you coming along?"

"No, I have something to take care of at the Heads' dormitory."

"Something or someone?"

Unfortunately, the little bastard walked away before I could hex him.

I reach the entrance to our dormitories, mutter the password and get inside. I hear the sobs before I see where they're coming from.

_Bloody hell, I think I made her cry._


End file.
